Starring: Shia “No no no no no no” LeBeouf, Michelle Mongagahhagan, Rasario Damn-son!, Billy Bob “Bad Santa was a documentary” Thornton and Papa Doc

Terrible; 2 out of 10.

Starring: Brad Pitt, Melanie Laurent, Eli Roth, Til Schweiger, Daniel Bruhl, Cristoph Waltz, Mike Myers (yes, that Mike Myers), BJ Novak and Omar “Motherfuckin’” Doooooooom

The film opens on the shot of a small farmhouse in 1941 and the first thing I thought was: “I can’t believe this is a Quentin Tarantino movie.” That thought, however, was allayed no too long into the film and then was completely obliterated after 20 minutes. The opening scene is rather tense and yet Tarantino finds a way to drip in little bits of his humor every so often that even while you’re sitting there all clenched up you can’t help but giggle. Some may say this takes away from the severity of the scene but Tarantino wouldn’t have it any other way.

The rest of the movie plays out just like one would think a Tarantino-helmed World War II epic would play out: it’s bloody, it’s vulgar, it’s hysterical, it’s over-the-top and it’s entertaining as hell. In short, it’s a classic Tarantino film. Each actor puts on an excellent (even if sometimes forced) performance.

The Basterds: Pitt’s character is both eccentric and simple almost to the point of absurdity. Roth, playing “the bear jew,” finds a nice little niche as a baseball bat wielding, hell bent, Boston native. Schweiger’s character, Hugo Stiglitz, quickly becomes a Jew-sploitation (yeah, I just made that up, what of it?) character with a ruthless aggression and pension for twisted forms of murder and punishment. The rest of the basterds played by Novak, Fassbender, Doooooom, and Sammy Levine are just as ballsy in their limited screen time.

Martin Wuttke’s performance as Adolph Hitler is so maniacl and comical that you really can’t help but love him and Slyvester Groth as Joseph Goebbels is both twisted and humorous.

Both leading ladies do an excellent job as well. Melanie Laurent (who is smokin’ hot) plays a very real character with a twisted and sad past which is referenced in the opening scene. Her development as a character and ultimate fate seem rather real which is odd for a leading lady in a Tarantino film (ex. Beatrix Kiddo in Kill Bill and Jackie Brown in Jackie Brown). Diane Kruger has a nice little role as a German actress turned American ally ala Mata Hari (to whom a small reference is made in the film).

However, the man who steals the entire movie is Cristoph Waltz as Colonel Hans “Jew Hunter” Landa. Waltz had never before acted in an American film but I have a feeling you may see him a bit more now. His character is so calculatingly evil that throughout the film your hatred for him just grows continuously, even when you’re laughing at his jokes or his odd behavior. He pulls off evil and hysterical with such ease that it’s actually somewhat scary. I wouldn’t be surprised if he pulls out a nomination for this role and based on the year so far, he may win it (deservedly so).

Bottom line: if you like Tarantino then this film is for you. There are a few things that may throw off the casual movie goer: the scenes are long, the dialogue is sometimes lengthy and the plot is jumpy (even though it plays out chronologically, an oddity for a Tarantino film). But overall, the film is fantastic and I highly recommend it. I give Inglourious Basterds a “Nein!” out of 10.

Starring: Sharlto Copley and a shit-ton of CGI aliens

I’m going to talk a bit more about the background of this film than the actual film. My review: the movie is great, a definite must-see for any action film fan. But that’s not all it has, the lead actor, Sharlto Copley, who has never acted before, is amazing. He delivers the most dramatic performance one could expect from a film such as this (and just to be sure, that’s not meant as an insult, it just seems that action movies sometimes get a bad rep for having poor action, ie Terminator Salvation). But yes, the movie is great, go see it and enjoy it.

Now, I just want to mention a few intersting things about the background of this film. I mentioned earlier that the lead actor had never acted before and he hasn’t. Check out his IMDb page and you’ll see one other acting credit: Alive in Joburg which is a six-minute short directed by Blomkamp which was the inspiration for District 9. Kind of amazing considering the performance he gives. But here’s the fun part: Blomkamp and Copley know each other because they used to work together. Copley actually hired Blomkamp to work at an electronics store. Then, Blomkamp made a short film, cast Copley in it and the rest is history.

Another interesting bit of information is how this movie actually came to be made. Originially, Blomkamp was signed on to direct the Halo film adaptation which was to be produced by Peter Jackson. However, after all sorts of setbacks, the film fell through. I guess Jackson felt bad and so he gave  Blomkamp 30 mil and said go make a movie and thus we have District 9. So thanks for that, PJ.

Finally, I want to mention something that is sort of odd. A friend pointed this out to me after watching the movie and it definitely was interesting to consider. Now, you won’t really fully grasp this until you’ve seen the movie and there are no spoilers but here goes: all the aliens in the film are CGI and looking back on the film itself, there were a lot of scenes that must have been really awkward to film because of that fact. I guess it sort of makes the director and the star that much more talented. Oh well, just a thought.

But anyway, the film is amazing, the action is solid, the CGI effects are awesome, the acting is surprisingly fantastic and the storyline is original and gripping. What more could you ask for? I give District 9 8 cans of catfood out of 10.

Starring: Unfortunately my boy JGL, Dennis Quaid, the hot Siena chick, Channing “step up 2 any movie offer” Tatum and a cast of nobodies

Holy hell. Now I’ve seen some bad movies in theatres. I saw The Wood in theatres. I saw the first Mortal Kombat in theatres. Hell, I saw Scooby Doo in theatres. But none of those even comes close to the worst film I’ve seen in theatres: G.I. fuckin Joe. This film is the epitome of horrible cinema. This is what killed Stanley Kubrick. I can’t this film made money. And worse, I contributed to this film making money. Now, I do have one caveat on my part: I was hammered. After a full day of drinking, the decision to see this abortion of a film seemed rather hilarious and entertaining. However, after sitting through nearly 2 hours of brain-numbingly poor acting and over-the-top, backflip-laden stunts I was simply left with a look of complete confusion emblazoned across my face.

I entered the theatre expecting to see a cheesy action flick with some humorous moments. I wasn’t expecting it to be good, at all, but I definitely wasn’t expecting it to be as bad as it was. I’m actually proud of myself for staying up for the entire thing. I think it was the fact that each minute the film just got increasingly worse and about 45 minutes in I just wanted to see if it was able to maintain such a ludicrous pace. It did.

There are two talented actors in this film. Randy Quaid, who has just as many terrible movies as he has okay ones, and JGL. I actually enjoy the work of Mr. Godon-Levitt. But this movie just made me very, very sad. His face is mostly covered, which is probably the only good thing he has going for him with this role, but he still comes off as a bit actor trying to pull off his best super-villain impression. I’ve honestly seen better performances on charades night at the retirement home. JGL clearly just cashed his check and mailed in his performance. I’m not saying I’d do it any differently, it just sucks that he actually had a career that may have been heading in a pretty good direction and this film may have totally trainwrecked that entire idea but only time will tell.

Marlon Wayans is also in this film.

The most ludicrous part of the whole movie, however, is the plot: Duke is on a mission to protect some warheads and Baroness is trying to get them back and then he avoids an attack by her and her French comrades and then some ninjas fight each other one is wearing black and the other is wearing white and it looks like a spy vs. spy episode and then Duke meets Dennis Quaid who asks him to become a part of G.I. Joe and then he says yes and then JGL tries to get his hands on the warheads and then Baroness who is actually Duke’s ex-fiancee (whole bunch of random sepia-toned flashbacks ensue) is taken over by JGL and now the warheads are in the hands of the bad guys and so they have to save the day so Marlon flies some funky ship and tracks down the two warheads which are headed to Washington, D.C. (which makes sense) and Calcutta (what the fuck?) and while he’s doing that Duke gets in some type of submarine jet thing and gets into an underwater race with JGL and he shoots underwater guns at him but he doesn’t catch him and then JGL says “call me commander!” and turns the French dude into Destro and then there is some really fuckin’ random end scene where Duke and his buds are in some tubes or something and JGL is in another tube and he says “catch me if you can” and Duke says “we’ll never stop trying” and then Disturbed kicks in and the movie theatre explodes and my head hurts.

This movie is the reason why our youth is so fucked. Seriously, they have no fucking chance. They have no heroes, no real cartoons, no good action films, no staple-actors to rely on, nothing to really call their own. Everything comes and goes so quickly that they really have nothing to hold on to. And this shit film is an example of how Hollywood just loves to bastardize even the simplest of things. G.I. Joe was good guys (Americans) vs. bad guys (Cobra). The Joes shot blue lasers and the Cobra shot red lasers. The good guys always won and Marlon Wayans didn’t exist. I must thank everyone that had anything to do with this movie for ruining a large part of my childhood. I would have rather watched a stop-motion film using actual G.I. Joe action figures made by 8 year olds than this crap. Thanks again, Mr. Sommers. My only hope is that every producer and studio in Hollywood recognizes the crime you committed with this film and never offers you another job, be it director or key grip, ever again. I give your shit version/adaptation of my beloved G.I. Joes -10 ninja fights on top of a hummer out of 10, dick.

Starring: Viggo Mortenson, Renee Zellwegggeerrerer, Jeremy Irons and, surprisingly, Ed Harris

I’m a fan of the western genre but I haven’t seen all the old spaghetti westerns. I’ve seen a few and enjoyed what I’ve seen and I of course love Unforgiven and Tombstone. But to be perfectly honest I’m not into westerns like many other film fanatics are. However, Appaloosa, was definitely one of my favorite films of 2008. I’d seen it in theatres and had the oppotunity to watch it again recently on HBO. I had a few beers, sat back and enjoyed the movie all over again, maybe moreso than the first time I’d seen it.

First of all, Ed Harris has directed two films. Pollock, which was good (both he and Marcia Gay Hard On were nominated) and this film. So although he may not have many directing credits, I must say he has some good ones. However, as much as I love Ed Harris as an actor, he wasn’t my favorite part of this film. In short, it was Viggo (not the Carpathian). I’ve already expressed my man-love for Viggo in my review of Eastern Promises but his role in this film just deepens that totally heterosexual male admiration. He plays Everett Hitch, Harri’s sidekick and goddamn does he exude some badass-ness (I realize that isn’t a word). His look, his demeanor and his 8-gauge shotgun just give him an air of unyielding power and calm. Not once does he ever appear shaken or threatened even as he’s walking directly into the line of fire, literally.

Jeremy Irons is magnificient as well. He plays, unsurprisingly, the villian: the ruthless Randall Bragg. In many ways, he is the same as Everett, calm in every capacity and always in control. His attitude and demeanor make you want to hate him but his deft approach and levelheaded thinking force you to respect him. Irons pulls off the imperceptible villain with ease.

Now don’t get me wrong, Harris is excellent too but his character, as gritty as he is at times, also has a somewhat stubborn side to him. As I’m sure this is intentional, it is sometimes a bit over-the-top. For example, his inability to conjur certain words and his need to ask Everett for assistance is a bit distracting and almost offputting. And his love interest, Zellweggs is pretty annoying. Again, possibly on purpose, but her character has almost zero appeal.

The action in the film is limited but realistic (I think, I never actually lived in the 1880′s believe it or not). And I feel like there are more stand-offs than actual gunfights which actually works and provides solid tension throughout the film. And when the guns finally do fire, you’re almost caught off guard but certainly not dissappointed. I enjoyed Appaloosa because of its wholistic nature as a western and its no-nonsense, no-need-for-theatrics approach. I give it 7.5 “what’s the word I’m aiming at?”s out of 10.

Starring: The return of Adam Sandler, Sethy Rogen, Jason Schwartzmansteinberg, Jonah Hill, Apatow’s hot wife, Eric Banana, RZA, GZA, Ghostface Killah, Inspectah Deck, Method Man

Everyone is hailing this as Sandler’s return to good comedy. And after Bedtime Stories, Zohan, Chuck and Larry, Click and The Longest Yard, you really can’t go any lower so calling it a return is almost a no-brainer. But to me, Sandler doesn’t return to Happy Gilmore or Billy Madison status, nor should he. In Funny People, Adam Sandler reminds the world that he can act, simple as that. Some of the most dramatic scenes in the movie are actually carried by Sandler. And there are quite a few dramatic scenes for a movie directed by the guy who did Knocked Up and The 40-Year Old Virgin. And I’m not saying those films don’t have their dramatic points, its just that this film has so many more (and their not all lumped together at the end).

The other big surprise for me in this film was Seth Rogen. For the first time in a while (or maybe ever) Rogen plays a non-stoner. In fact, he pretty much plays a straight serious guy who is desperately trying to be funny. Think about most of his previous roles, he was always the fall guy, always the joker, even in Pineapple Express where Franco stole some scenes, Rogen is still the loveable degenerate. But here, Rogen plays it straight and does it well. He really comes off as an unimpressive, bland comedian. But, because of that, his character actually has depth and provides insight rather than simply taking a bong rip and laughing like a cave man.

The supporting cast is great: Jonah Hill plays what I like to think is a film version of himself and Schwartzman plays the guy you hate because he’s a dick but love because he really is just a regular guy. There are a host of guest celebrities who play themselves topped off with an appearance by Mr. Marshall Mathers. I also found out from this film that Aubrey Plaza is pretty hot. As is Leslie Mann but I kinda knew that already (though I must say I’d be hesitant to jump into bed with a broad whose last name is Mann, I don’t know why, call me old fashioned but it evokes an off-putting mental image). Anyway, to top off the list of supporting roles, I have to praise Bana’s performance. He really had me rolling, his performance was a pleasant surprise even knowing he was a stand-up comedian back in Australia.

The final element and of course the most important is the plot. I have to say that Apatow really outdid himself this time. He really did an excellent job of interweaving the comedy with the drama. I really can’t think of another film like this because it literally goes from outright, laugh out loud funny to dramatically heavy at the drop of a hat. I give Apatow a lot of credit because his career could have went two ways: either he makes an excellent film like this, or he directs something like one of the fake movies within this movie like Re-Do with Sandler playing a baby. I’m glad he went the way he did.

As far as drawbacks I really have very few. Maybe it could have been a tad shorter, there were a few scenes towards the end that dragged just a bit but thats just me nitpicking. And though I’m not the first one to say this, I do agree with it: “I loved the movie but I don’t think a lot of people will.” And this is backed by the kid who left the theater before me saying: “That was the worst fuckin’ movie, brah.” So who knows… I give Funny People 8 Andy Dick one-liners out of 10 (be sure to listen for that Andy Dick line, it’s a knee-slapper),

Starring: Jeremy Renner, Papa Doc, Guy Pearce for a little bit, Ralph Fiennes for a little bit and Fergus from Jarhead

Personally, I love war films. I enjoy everything from Full Metal Jacket, Patton and Apocalypse Now to Saving Private Ryan, The Thin Red Line and the aformentioned Jarhead. It seems to me like it would be pretty difficult to make a good war film because, as a director, you want to stay as true to reality as possible while at the same time creating a film that a general audience will enjoy. The films I mentioned above do that, in my shitty opinion, perfectly. And now there is another film to add to that list: The Hurt Locker.

The film doesn’t have many big name actors. In fact, the biggest names have minimal roles. The three stars of the film are Jeremey Renner, Brian Geraghty and Anthony Mackie (Papa Doc from 8 Mile). I understand these names aren’t nearly as big as Tom Hanks, Dennis Hopper or even Jake Glylleneennhaaahhalll. But these guys deliver in this film and really bring it to life.

The film follows a bomb squad in Iraq during whatever war it is in which we are currently involved. It specifically follows the three characters played by Renner, Mackie and Geraghty. Renner proves himself to be a complete hardass in the film and yet he still has enough compassion to be a successful leader. I found his character to be an excellent portrayal of the thrillseeking soldier. A man (or woman) who simply cannot live a life of mediocrity. Someone who needs to be on the verge of death at all times. Somewhat like myself only replace “verge of death” with “verge of drunk.” But you get the picture…

This is going to be a pretty short review only because I really don’t want to give too much away. This is a definite must see and with the Oscars now nominating 10 films for best picture, you just may see this one get a nod. I give The Hurt Locker 8.5 B-Rabbits out of 10.

Starring: the twin brother of the guy from Mallrats, Ben Affleck, Matthew McConaughey, Mila Jovovovovovich, the dude who was in Rent, Joey Lauren Adams and some other nobodies who actually put on great performances (except for the dweeb who keeps pinching the bridge of his nose)

So first off, I love this movie. I saw it the other night after I got home from work kinda late and after I’d had a few beers. I decided to get a few more and watch it even though it started at around 2:30am – whatever, what the fuck else do I have to do? So I’m sitting on my couch, drinking some beers and I realize that everyone in this film puts on a stellar performance with the major exception of the kid who plays Mitch whose real name is, I shit you not, Wiley Wiggins. I linked to his IMDB page there so you can see the lackluster career he’s had so far.

Anyway, there are some actors in this film who arguably put on the best performances of their career: McConaughey (shittiest spelling ever) clearly is at his best as Wooderson, the high school grad who still hunts high school tail. He actually refers to the senior class in one scene as “this year’s crop.” Amazing. Affleck plays O’Bannon, a super-senior who gets left back so he can be a hardass two years in a row and fuck with the incoming freshmen. I honestly think that Affleck’s high school career was eerily similar to the character he plays. I can totally picture him being a complete dick to everyone. He’s the kinda guy who has friends but even they don’t really like him. The kid with a twin who plays Randall “Pink” Floyd is pretty badass as well. He plays the token jock who loves to party. His brother was better in Mallrats but he puts on a solid performance. Mila, Joey Lauren and the rest of the chicks do a great job of being hot (with a few exceptions). And the supporting cast is exceptional as well with Rory Cochrane as Slater being the best amongst that group.

But there is one thing about this film that bothers the shit out of me and I mentioned it above. I didn’t notice it so much the first few times I saw it but for whatever reason it stood out to me last night. The kid who plays Mitch, that Wiley fucker, just does a shit job all around. And the one thing that irked me the most was his little nose pinching maneuver. About 20 minutes in I started counting how many times he does it and I got into the 30′s before I got completely fed up. In one scene, when they’re hanging out in front of the Emporium, he literally does it seven times in the span of two minutes. It’s an unbelievable achievement and it literally had me reeling mad. I mean, the kid doesn’t do a terrible job overall, average but not terrible, but in some scenes he just comes off as someone trying WAY too hard to act. Instead of relying on his natural emotions to carry the scene he forces it by using over-the-top physical movements and facial expressions. Nothing seems natural about him even when he’s just standing in the background.

But putting that aside (as difficult as it is), the movie is fantastic. There are a plethora of one-liners that don’t sound forced. There’s a great scene with Affleck when he literally flips his wig and speeds off in a huff. McConaughey has some great scenes and his faded pink jeans and cowboy boots make him look like a feminine but rustic (or gay) John Wayne. The party at the moon tower and the social commentary of Adam Goldberg (as Mike Newhouse) are comedic yet poignant portrayals of party life in the 70s and it sort of makes me wish I was there. Overall, Dazed and Confused is a must-see and I give it 8.5 bong rips out of 10.

UPDATE: After skimming the message boards of IMDB, I came across this gem:

by vt312206   (Fri Jun 1 2007 23:59:48)
My friends and I played a drinking game where we drank a shot every time he touched his face.

We didn’t make it through the movie.

Amazing.

Starring: Sacha Baron Cohen

Holy fucking hell. Now I know this site is called Shitty Movie Review and in the About section I delve into why I decided on that as the name. However, I must say right now that I do watch a good amount of movies either while I’m drinking or directly after. And usually I don’t get into details about me and I try my best to stick to gameplan, which is writing about the movie. But, since the preset for this film was rather interesting I thought I’d share. So, here it is:

The day started with a little free drinking at a local brewery with a close buddy of mine (someone who likes to drink as much as I do and doesn’t altogether hate my company). Drinking ocurred there from about 2-7pm. After imbibing a good amount we headed over to another bar/brewery for some dinner (more beer). After eating and drinking there til about 10pm, we headed to a bar where a friend was working. We had a few beers each there, some shots of zambuca (him, not me) and some shots of tequila (me, not him). We then had the best idea ever: to go see Bruno. The movie started at 1215, we got to the theatre at 1130 or so and decided to drink the jug of beer we bought from the brewery. After polishing that off we head inside. I head for the theatre but my buddy had other things in mind. He walked into the bar in the theatre (I had never even set foot in this bar before). He walks to the bar and orders two shots of tequila. I make a bit of a complaint, nothing serious, not like I wasn’t going to take the shot but he sees this and decides its best to order two more. So now four shots sit on the bar in front of us. I give him my most upset face even though on the inside I can’t wait to douse my insides with this Mexican poison. We both down the first easily and then we both struggle with the second but alas there down and were off, finally, to see Bruno. So now the review:

That shit, from what I remember, was fuckin’ funny. My buddy passed out about halfway through and I think I saw the whole thing. I remember a Ron Paul interview, some bicycle-propelled sex toys, a velcro suit and an MMA skit. I remember laughing. I don’t know if I was definitely laughing at the movie but I think I was. I thought Borat was great and I was always a fan of “Da Ali G Show,” so I kinda figured I’d enjoy Bruno. I guess I’ll just have to see it again to remember the finer details. But, from what I can remember, I give Bruno 6.5 uncomfortable moments out of 10.

Starring: Everyone

In regards to film, there are always debates: Who’s the best actor of our generation? What’s the best film of 1997? Who’s the best female director in the history of porn? The arguments are endless. Well right now I am going to bring one debate to an end. Many people ask: What’s the funniest [actor's name] movie ever? Well Airheads is the answer to that question for many, many actors and here is the list: Brendan Fraser, Steve Buscemi, Adam Sandler (that’s right), Judd Nelson, David Arquette, Joe Mantegna, Michael Richards and Rob Zombie. I will now defend each but first a quick note: I left Farley off this list only because his role in this film is so small that it doesn’t really count.

The only thing funnier than this film is Fraser’s entire career although Encino Man is a close second. Buscemi is in other great films but none of his comedies top this. Many people may get on me for this, but Sandler’s role in this film is hysterical and, if anything, it is just as funny as Happy Gilmore or Billy Madison. Judd Nelson…well that’s obvious. David Arquette, again obvious. Michael Richards…if anyone mentions Problem Child I’m fuckin’ outta here. And finally, Rob Zombie, who I truly think could make a great comedy but until he gets away from the gore and mutilation this is his crowning comedic jewel. What’s funny is the fact that the one person in this film who is in a funnier movie is Ernie Hudson or as I always refer to him, Winston Zeddmore.

As far as the film is concerned, the acting is C level, the jokes are innocuous one-liners and the overall plot is asinine which, when all are combined, makes it a masterpiece! Seriously, here are some of the insults used in the film: doof, dick cheeseburger, spazz, butt-head and at one point, Sandler’s character threatens to stab the hostages’ heads off with his dick. Honestly, how do you get any better than that? The dialogue unto itself is worthy of a film, I mean I’d literally watch a blank screen for an hour and a half while just listening to the dialogue and I’d be thoroughly entertained. It’s classic!

What’s so good about the movie though, in my mind, is how such a simple plot can be made to look so intricate. Basically a band wants their song to be played on the radio so they go down to the station, hold some people hostage with fake guns and demand air time. But then…everything goes wrong! Ruh-roh! It really is amazing, when (and if) you watch this movie, just count the amount of times something goes horribly, horribly wrong. If my life were anywhere near as devastatingly awful as the lives of the three dudes in The Lone Rangers then I would not be here to write this glorifying review. I know I overuse the phrase but this movie is the litmus test for when “hijinks ensue!”

And at one point, they literally air lift a fucking stage into the parking lot with a military helicopter! Who knew a record exec had so much power?! I really can’t say enough about how ludicrously awesome this film is. You simply just have to see it yourself. I give Airheads 7 Adam Sandler Chanukah songs out of 10.